I just found this little essay sitting on my Google Drive so I thought I’d share it as I found it amusing.
How to host a baby playdate in five easy steps
- Send friends a text apologising for the mess
- Get a box and run around the house throwing everything in it that is in the wrong place. So basically everything
- Hide all the chokeable plastic pieces of crap your 3 year old has accumulated plus any small rocks, broken crayons and carefully curated piles of detritus that are very very precious to said 3 year old. You do not want to be on the receiving end of her rage when she finds a hoard of babies have destroyed her art installation
- Toss all the random stuff hiding in your bathroom, such as potty seats, mildewed bath toys and questionable toothbrushes, into the bathtub and pull the shower curtain across.
- Throw everything in the diswasher. If it’s full, use the oven as an additional place to hide dirty dishes. (safety message: don’t forget the cereal bowls with crusted on oatmeal are in there when you turn the oven on later for chicken nuggets)
- Spray some cleaner around the bathroom and kitchen so it smells less grim.
- Empty the trash while you’re at it because you’re pretty sure that’s where the rotten egg smell is coming from.
- Shove the vacuum cleaner and that box of random crap you collected in step two into the baby’s bedroom. Pray no one wants to use the changing table
- Shut all doors except the bathroom (you don’t want anyone opening the wrong door later) so no one can see the towering piles of clean laundry on your bed.
- Arrange some fruit that honestly hasn’t been lingering in the bowl all week artfully on a plate
- Smile enigmatically when your friends exclaim that your house isn’t a mess at all
- Watch babies attempt to gouge each others eyes out, tip the toys all over the house, and squash berries into your carpet.
- Pray for a good nap after all this wonderful social interaction and stimulation so you can clean properly (or take a nap yourself).