How to host a baby playdate in five easy steps

I just found this little essay sitting on my Google Drive so I thought I’d share it as I found it amusing.

How to host a baby playdate in five easy steps

  1. Send friends a text apologising for the mess
  2. Get a box and run around the house throwing everything in it that is in the wrong place. So basically everything
  3. Hide all the chokeable plastic pieces of crap your 3 year old has accumulated plus any small rocks, broken crayons and carefully curated piles of detritus that are very very precious to said 3 year old. You do not want to be on the receiving end of her rage when she finds a hoard of babies have destroyed her art installation
  4. Toss all the random stuff hiding in your bathroom, such as potty seats, mildewed bath toys and questionable toothbrushes, into the bathtub and pull the shower curtain across.
  5. Throw everything in the diswasher. If it’s full, use the oven as an additional place to hide dirty dishes. (safety message: don’t forget the cereal bowls with crusted on oatmeal are in there when you turn the oven on later for chicken nuggets)
  6. Spray some cleaner around the bathroom and kitchen so it smells less grim.
  7. Empty the trash while you’re at it because you’re pretty sure that’s where the rotten egg smell is coming from.
  8. Shove the vacuum cleaner and that box of random crap you collected in step two into the baby’s bedroom. Pray no one wants to use the changing table
  9. Shut all doors except the bathroom (you don’t want anyone opening the wrong door later) so no one can see the towering piles of clean laundry on your bed.
  10. Arrange some fruit that honestly hasn’t been lingering in the bowl all week artfully on a plate
  11. Smile enigmatically when your friends exclaim that your house isn’t a mess at all
  12. Watch babies attempt to gouge each others eyes out, tip the toys all over the house, and squash berries into your carpet.
  13. Pray for a good nap after all this wonderful social interaction and stimulation so you can clean properly (or take a nap yourself).

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *